What a difference a few weeks can make.
I'm going to church this morning. This is something that I do occasionally with my parents, but today we're going to the local church on our own. So what motivated me?
As I have probably stated here before, my philosophy in regards to medication for my depression was this: if it came to the point where it interfered with my work/school, I would start taking it again. Well, unfortunately things didn't quite work out that way. In mid-march I was forced to abruptly end my student teaching, one week shy of the halfway point. After almost breaking down in tears while in front of a class, I decided that there was no reason to keep torturing myself. Sure, the stress of teaching certainly brought things to a head much quicker than they would have naturally, but I do not feel that I could have proceeded in any other way. For now, I do not plan on finishing my music ed degree, as I feel that it is an unwise career choice for the kind of person I am. It's unfortunate that I had to discover this 6 years into my degree.
So, today is the day I would have been graduating. After dropping out once, and summoning the courage and will to come back. After struggling through 4 semesters and completing my awesome senior recital. I try to reassure myself that it hasn't been all in vain, that I learned a lot in those years and had valuable experiences.
My course of action once I withdrew from UMD was to at least support myself financially, and this is a goal I have achieved. Since late march I've been working as a temp for Manpower, at a local company called Cashbox. I do data entry, and for the moment it's a great fit - I can keep to myself, I'm always busy, and it's not a huge deal if I couldn't be there. Incidentally, I have not taken a single sick day. Now, because of this new cash flow, the decision was made to finally get a cat.
Sophie is WONDERFUL! She is social, playful, and loves to cuddle. She sleeps with us every night - I couldn't have asked for more in a cat. She makes it really easy for me to be in the apartment by myself, keeps me good company! Pictures can be found at www.flickr.com/photos/bartoneus . Since the weather has been nicer, Danny finally started to get into golf; this was something he felt he should do for business purposes. Well, now both of us are completely hooked. What a fanastic sport - so much mental discipline, and even the best players in the world are far from perfect. It gets us outside much more often, too, which was one of my new year's resolutions. Danny got an early birthday present of golf clubs, and I have inherited my late-grandmother-in-law's clubs - gotta start somewhere! We like to go to the driving range near my parent's house, and to the free golf course in walkersville at the heritige farm park - the grass is ridiculously high, but at least we can practice for free!
I started with Zoloft, and got good results, but not good enough. So, now I'm on Cymbalta. I feel myself actually being bouncy once in a while, and it's been a long time since that's happened without serious provocation. My appetite is gone, and I fear that my love affair with food will be severely diminished as long as I'm on the meds - 3 years this time, according to my doctor. It seems like a long time, but the goal is for the disease to be completely gone, and that's a goal I can get behind. Funnily enough, I have been having insanse cravings for sushi! Yeah, that's right, sushi. I guess it has something to do with simple and light tastes, but ohhhhh man, soooooo good. Too bad it's so expensive!!! I'm also particularly fond of the japanese seaweed salad - sounds dicey, but it has this delicious sesame oil on it, really really good.
My wonderful hubby and I are trying to figure out what to do for our first anniversary - we're leaning towards either Hershey Park or Busch Gardens. I'm rooting for the gardens, myself - haven't been there in a while, and he's never been! Either way, it should be loads of fun.
So, back to my original question: why am I going to church this morning? Well, not the simplest answer. I go because I am lost - for the first time since I can remember, I have no idea what to do with my career. I am not using my talents. I go because I need to trust in something greater than myself that everything is going to be alright. It is difficult for me to work towards advancing my career right now, so instead I'll work towards advancing myself - being a better person, focusing on serving god a bit more. My hope is that everything else will fall into place eventually. But I also go to give thanks - even though this entry started with a very difficult thing for me to write about, I also got to write about the many new and fun things that have come to me. Even though I'm not graduating today, I must focus on that which is positive - and there is so much positive.