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What a difference a few weeks can make.

May 20th, 2007 (08:29 am)

I'm going to church this morning. This is something that I do occasionally with my parents, but today we're going to the local church on our own. So what motivated me?

As I have probably stated here before, my philosophy in regards to medication for my depression was this: if it came to the point where it interfered with my work/school, I would start taking it again. Well, unfortunately things didn't quite work out that way. In mid-march I was forced to abruptly end my student teaching, one week shy of the halfway point. After almost breaking down in tears while in front of a class, I decided that there was no reason to keep torturing myself. Sure, the stress of teaching certainly brought things to a head much quicker than they would have naturally, but I do not feel that I could have proceeded in any other way. For now, I do not plan on finishing my music ed degree, as I feel that it is an unwise career choice for the kind of person I am. It's unfortunate that I had to discover this 6 years into my degree.

So, today is the day I would have been graduating. After dropping out once, and summoning the courage and will to come back. After struggling through 4 semesters and completing my awesome senior recital. I try to reassure myself that it hasn't been all in vain, that I learned a lot in those years and had valuable experiences.

My course of action once I withdrew from UMD was to at least support myself financially, and this is a goal I have achieved. Since late march I've been working as a temp for Manpower, at a local company called Cashbox. I do data entry, and for the moment it's a great fit - I can keep to myself, I'm always busy, and it's not a huge deal if I couldn't be there. Incidentally, I have not taken a single sick day. Now, because of this new cash flow, the decision was made to finally get a cat.

Sophie is WONDERFUL! She is social, playful, and loves to cuddle. She sleeps with us every night - I couldn't have asked for more in a cat. She makes it really easy for me to be in the apartment by myself, keeps me good company! Pictures can be found at www.flickr.com/photos/bartoneus . Since the weather has been nicer, Danny finally started to get into golf; this was something he felt he should do for business purposes. Well, now both of us are completely hooked. What a fanastic sport - so much mental discipline, and even the best players in the world are far from perfect. It gets us outside much more often, too, which was one of my new year's resolutions. Danny got an early birthday present of golf clubs, and I have inherited my late-grandmother-in-law's clubs - gotta start somewhere! We like to go to the driving range near my parent's house, and to the free golf course in walkersville at the heritige farm park - the grass is ridiculously high, but at least we can practice for free!

I started with Zoloft, and got good results, but not good enough. So, now I'm on Cymbalta. I feel myself actually being bouncy once in a while, and it's been a long time since that's happened without serious provocation. My appetite is gone, and I fear that my love affair with food will be severely diminished as long as I'm on the meds - 3 years this time, according to my doctor. It seems like a long time, but the goal is for the disease to be completely gone, and that's a goal I can get behind. Funnily enough, I have been having insanse cravings for sushi! Yeah, that's right, sushi. I guess it has something to do with simple and light tastes, but ohhhhh man, soooooo good. Too bad it's so expensive!!! I'm also particularly fond of the japanese seaweed salad - sounds dicey, but it has this delicious sesame oil on it, really really good.

My wonderful hubby and I are trying to figure out what to do for our first anniversary - we're leaning towards either Hershey Park or Busch Gardens. I'm rooting for the gardens, myself - haven't been there in a while, and he's never been! Either way, it should be loads of fun.

So, back to my original question: why am I going to church this morning? Well, not the simplest answer. I go because I am lost - for the first time since I can remember, I have no idea what to do with my career. I am not using my talents. I go because I need to trust in something greater than myself that everything is going to be alright. It is difficult for me to work towards advancing my career right now, so instead I'll work towards advancing myself - being a better person, focusing on serving god a bit more. My hope is that everything else will fall into place eventually. But I also go to give thanks - even though this entry started with a very difficult thing for me to write about, I also got to write about the many new and fun things that have come to me. Even though I'm not graduating today, I must focus on that which is positive - and there is so much positive.


Posted by: ((Anonymous))
Posted at: May 21st, 2007 04:53 am (UTC)

... /hug

Posted by: kriegmachine (kriegmachine)
Posted at: May 21st, 2007 10:31 am (UTC)

Speaking from "Depresee" to another...

The best you can do is what you feel is the best for you. I never liked myself on the medication, made me sleepy, made me hyper, made me.. a different me.

Ive been trying the very hard battle of fighting this on my own, and Ive had some very very low points, esp after the accident. But you have to find something and latch onto it. Maybe its not the healthiest thing, but for me it works. I can bury myself in it and everything else melts away.. if only for a little while.

The things I write about in my blog here are like therapy for me. I feel better after getting them out and seeing my words. Sometimes I think its harrd for people to read, and I know Ive lost friends and more because of the way I am. Its not easy to deal with this, it can cloud everything sometimes.

But Ive never given up that theres a point break. A moment of release from all of this "stuff" that haunts my head. I found it once, and I have to believe I can find it again.

Thats what keeps me going, keeps me focused as best I can. I cant say it hasnt been without a price. Sometimes I want to go back on meds just to see if my life will stabilatize. But Im.. I dont know, afraid that I wont like who I am on meds.

Depression is a part of who I am, I dont want to cover it up. Ive had some bad stuff happen, I dont want to have to take drugs to get over that. I need to be able to get over it myself. Proabaly not the healthiest way of being, but I dont know any other for me.

Its interesting you went to church. Part of the thing with depression is feeling so, disconnected from everyone else. Churches are social places, and supposed to be placed of healing and love (though lately I highly doubt that).

I dont know if I could find solace in the "Higher Power" aspect. If god is up there, he gave me free will and a mind to think. I see how men run their "houses of God" and it sickens me, for the most part. I lead, I hope, A good life, an honest caring life. Only he can judge me for my wrongs but I pray the good far outweigh the bad.

I think you should do more entries like this. Maybe seeing your thoughts all typed out will help you understand how you feel.

Whatever the case, youll get by, and try not to think about the "by now I would have been"'s. Try to focus on the "Right now I AM.."

/Hug hopefully Ill see you and danny and the kitty soon.

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